Do These Rose-Colored Glasses Make Me Look Fat?

I hate money...

I hate having to spend all my time trying to acquire some, then giving it to someone else...and I especially HATE having to worry about whether I have enough.

I'm in a tough place right now as far as money goes...but who isn't these days?  Right now, I'm working part-time at a place I get paid and part-time at a place I don't get paid.  Now, if I could work 40 hours a week at the place I get paid, I'd be golden.  However, by giving up the unpaid position, I'm giving up on valuable professional experience that could possibly lead to a better paid position.

Conundrum!

So, what do I do?  Do I say goodbye to the internship and work full-time, or do I remain naively optimistic and stick with both part-time positions?

Right now, I'm opting for the second option, because I DO NOT want to be a receptionist forever.  So, I'm looking this big gamble straight in the face with some lovely rose-colored glasses on and telling myself over and over again that whatever is meant to be is meant to be.

Ugh.

Gaydate

There are a few things you always want to ask your dates, but never do.  They are what the French would call bougouis questions... oh, that reminds me.  I got stood-up by a cowardly Frenchman a couple of weeks ago; totally overrated nation.  

But I digress...  these questions include:  "Why did your last long-term relationship end?"  "How do you want to raise our future children?"  and my mother's favorite, "Why are you still single?"

I never thought I would find myself wanting to ask, "Excuse me, but you're gay, aren't you?"  I SWEAR, I went out with a gay man.  

When I first came across his profile on Jdate, I thought he was great.  His About Me section was so funny and that's a good way to get my attention.  He also looked mighty cute in his pictures, which doesn't hurt.  So, we email back and forth for a bit and I give him my number.  The minute he says, "Hi Rachel," I think, omg, he's gay!  But I stop myself short...  I know better then that.  Judaism says to always give people the benefit of the doubt, so I make myself believe that's in all in my mind.  

...it was NOT all in my mind.

We met up for coffee and from the first minute we met, it was aaaawwwwkward!  We did that awkward little handshake/hug dance, where I go in for a hug and he jabs me in the stomach trying to shake my hand.  Such a great way to start off the date.  He is a really nice, cute guy, but the entire time I can't stop thinking, there is NO WAY this guy is straight!  There's something innately feminine about his whole persona and I find myself struggling REALLY hard to create some chemistry between us- though I have to say, I have had some fantastic chemistry with gay men before, but this was a lost cause.

So, I went home that night, feeling as confused as he probably is.  

NO! SLEEP! TIL BROOKLYN!

SO...On March 14th, I will have lived in NY for 3 months.  Crazy!  And in honor of the City and my 3 month anniversary,  I'm moving...to Brooklyn!  I know it doesn't sound super fabulous, but it is SO fabulous!  

Things I've missed in the past 3 months:

-my own bedroom with four walls

-my own bedroom that has a door

-my own bedroom that I can stand up in

-my own bedroom I can trash without bothering my roommate

These are the types of things you have to sacrifice in order to live in Manhattan.... and I miss them dearly.  So, I went on Craiglist-seriously, how did people find apartments before this groovy site popped up?- sent out my cover letter to prospective roommates, and looked at a couple places.

I liked the first place right away.  The layout, the roommates, the location- it was all great.  And guess what... they asked me to move in! :D  So, I'm moving into my new place on April 1st.  I will miss my fantastic, current roommate SO much, but she's just a train ride away.

Exciting things are happening over here for me.  Not only did I get the place I wanted, but I got rehired at the hair salon which laid me off after only 2 days of work.  My mom always taught me never to burn my bridges, and I guess she was right, because when the job opened up again, they called me up and asked if I would come back.  YAY MONEY!  YAY GOOD INTERNSHIP!  YAY NEW PLACE!  YAY NEW BOY... more on that later though.  I don't wanna get ahead of myself :)

Sexual Deviancy in Literary Cover Letters

Every manuscript sent to my bosses office must be accompanied by a cover letter.  Just like any other kind of cover letter, this is the writer's opportunity to show off his writing skills and pitch his story.  Let me tell you, I've worked at this literary agency for 2 months now and I swear, I've read it all.  2 MONTHS!...and I've read things that would give you nightmares.  For instance, here's an example of one pitch in a cover letter we received:

Dear Literary Agent,

When I was in high school, I had a rape fantasy involving Shredder from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

Ummmmmmm...

Yes, sexual deviancy makes for a good read, but it's not a good idea to make your prospective agent want to rush home and scrub their body raw with a brilo pad with just the cover letter!  

The High Price of Singles Events

So...they're not kidding when they say these singles events are for Jewish professionals.  I'm glad all these Jewish doctors/lawyers/investment bankers are willing and able to spend $50 for one free drink and a room full of drunk, Jewish women.  Unfortunately, I can't afford to be one of those women.  I'm gonna have to find myself a Jewish sugar-daddy just to attend the singles events!  EVERY WEEK I get an email about a new singles event, and they always range from $25-$175!  We're in a recession, people!!!

My sister had it right when she said, "You can't spend your small amount of money on singles events, but don't worry... Hashem won't put your besheret there until you can afford it."

Crazy NY Subway Experience #1

My roommate, Sam, and I were heading to Brooklyn.  My best friend Amy was throwing a birthday party for her roommate and she invited us.  Before walking to our subway station, we stopped across the street to buy a bottle of cheap champagne.

The subway was packed.  Sam and I had managed to snag seats, while the rest of the train car was filled with people standing and awkwardly trying not to fall into each other every time the train unexpectedly jolted.

I sat cradling the champagne bottle when a black man, decked head to toe in Sean John, asked what was in the bottle.

"Oh, nothing," I said, actually thinking this would make him leave me alone. 

"Why are you avoiding the question?"  He asked.

"It's champagne," I said, trying not to make eye contact.

"Well lets bust that s*** open!"  He laughed, nudging his companions who laughed with him.

"I can't, it's for my friend's birthday."  I looked at Sam, hoping if we had to rumble with these guys over a bottle of cheap champagne, her badass Philly chick side would come out and scrub the floor with them, but she just pretended not hear anything... thanks Sam.

"What if the train stalls and we are stuck in here for hours and we're really thirsty?"  He asked.  Before I could answer, he added "...and I sing to you!?"

I looked at him in the eye for the first time.  "Ok...if the train gets stuck for hours, and you sing to me, I will open the champagne. "  

And G-d, with His fabulous sense of humor, stalled the damn train.  It sat next to the platform, but the doors would not open and the driver came over the intercom to tell the crowded cars to be patient.

"BUST IT OPEN!"  Yelled the man.  I could hear the guy next to me sniggering to himself.

"Hey, you said you would sing to me first," I flung back, thinking I had shut him up.

Turns out this guy is a really good singer!  He started singing an R&B type melody, complete with the lyrics "Open the champagne, girl, just open the champagne."  The crowded subway car fell silent as the guy sung louder and louder, right at me.  I could feel my face blushing bright red as the other passengers laughed and clapped along with the singing.

Just as the song came to a close the subway doors opened and he prepared to step out, obviously disappointed.

"I'm sorry I couldn't open it for you," I said as he prepared to leave.  "But you're really good...you should totally audition for American Idol!"  

As the train pulled away from the platform, a girl a few seats down said, "that song is gonna be stuck in my head all night."

Crazy NY Subway Experience #1:  Being serenaded on a crowded car.

SawYouatSinai vs. JDate: What's the right choice for YOU?

So...you're single. You're Jewish. You live in New York. What do you do now? I'll tell you! You put a profile of yourself online and wait for the great, Jewish boys to start buying you dinner.

And by great, I mean boring/narcissistic/illegally living in the country/possibly gay. These are the men that now inhabit my world.

SawYouatSinai: Your profile is totally private until you approve a match. You get your own Yenta, who makes the matches for you. You get to pick her out and everything!! Every time I get an email announcing a new match, I'm swept up into my own, private Anatevka, where I'm praying my matchmaker hasn't matched me with someone awful. "You gotta kiss a lot of toads," my matchmaker said to me recently... While I considered her advice admirable, my lips weren't going anywhere near my last date's face.

JDate: Oh, where to begin...I know! Lets start with all the NON-Jews on JDate. The site is chalk full of goyims who share the same fetish... nice, Jewish girls. Emails from these "gentlemen" usually include the phrase "gotta webcam?"...these emails get erased immediately. Keeping in touch with the rest of the interested Jews on the site can become a full-time job. Dare you spend more then 5 minutes online, you will be bombarded with instant messages from prospective dates. "You're cute, wanna get a drink?" "Where in Colorado are you from? Wanna get a drink?" "Gotta webcam? Wanna get a drink?" After sifting through the pile of Yids, I usually find myself with 3 dates a week. It's really exhausting.

While I'm reserving full blogs to some especially, er, "special" dates, I'd like to take this moment to mock Mr. Narcissistic. This gem was one of the first guys I talked to on JDate. We had emailed a few times and I sent him my number. I became slightly alarmed when he proudly declared, "I'm the guy everyone wants to be when they see me walk into the room!"

"Are you serious?" I asked.

Mr. N ignores my question and continues. "When I walk into a party, I'm the center of attention. People just flock to me."

"Uh huh," I reply, wondering how I'm going to let this guy know he's making me nauseous with out being too mean.

"I'm looking for a girl who is the exact opposite. Who's quiet and shy and just hangs on me the whole night." He actually said this!...and I took this as my out.

"Wow, well, you seem like a *gulp* great guy, but I'm not who you're looking for."

"What are you talking about? I haven't even pretended to get another call yet!" Again I emphasize, he actually said these things!

"I'm sorry, I'm just not good enough for you." Click. I give myself props for making my rejection of this guy into his rejection of me, his monstrous ego never knowing the difference.

Thus, with this first encounter, I begin my journey through internet dating.

Rachel in a Chick-Lit

Hello close family and friends!... a.k.a. probably the only people who will read this!

As most of you know, I moved to New York City over 2 months ago. While I've enjoyed recounting the same stories over and over again, I've decided to start a blog.

This blog will include details of my "exciting new job" as a literary agent's assistant, trying to find work in a city suffering badly from the recession, my new unpaid, full-time job of Jewish online dating and other random stories that I think you should be made to read.

Before I begin, I feel I should explain what exactly a chick-lit is... Chick-lit: short for chick-literature (think chick-flick, but books). Includes books like Bridget Jones' Diary and Confessions of a Shopaholic. These books are always about very imperfect women trying to make their careers, love-lives, etc into things to be proud of. This now describes me...

I've recently graduated college, recently moved to Manhattan, and recently became single. I am supporting myself (mostly) for the first time in my life and discovering that one package of spaghetti can make a lot of meals. I am the ultimate/cliche chick-lit character!

So, draw yourself a bubble bath, pour yourself a strong cocktail and bust out your Virginia Slims, cause I've got some blogs comin' at ya!