I was on a plane with my parents and sister on our way back from
vacation. I was 19 years old and bored
with nothing to read. Sick of hearing me
whine my mom handed me the book she just finished, a paperback she picked up
for free in the hotel lobby, and said, “Here, read this. You’ll like it, it has lots of sex in
it.” That was a good pitch and I started
reading without hesitation. I don’t
remember any details about the plot of this book except that it had, like my
mom so succinctly put it, a lot of sex.
This was my introduction to romance novels and the start of a literary
obsession and guilty pleasure which lasted years.
I loyally stuck with two categories in the romance genre, Historical and
Contemporary (I much preferred the dimly lit ballrooms and tightly laced corsets of the Historical romances). Within these categories are
sub-categories (fetish, time travel, etc).
I have read all types and I have realized that no matter what time
zone/country/fetish, the recipe is always the same. Add the following and stir…
Note: There is a major difference between Romance
and Erotica. Romance= Fifty Shades of
Grey, Erotica= the Sleeping Beauty series by Anne Rice, written under a
pseudonym.
The Recipe
The Man: Always extremely wealthy. ALWAYS.
Poor is so gross, barf. Whether
he is a self-made billionaire, the heir to his family’s butter empire which he
is being groomed to take over, or a Viscount residing in a country manor and
rebelling against his family’s wish for him to marry a Countess, he is
loaded. This is a non-negotiable.
The other non-negotiable… this guy is hot. No ugly dudes allowed unless they are a
villain, a relative or an extra in the background. He is tall and muscular, but not bulky. He has a v-shaped frame with those lovely
pelvic lines which I dubbed the Penis Trail in high school. In historical novels, he always has long hair
to his shoulders. In contemporary
novels, he usually has longer-than-normal wavy hair. If not every woman in the story is swooning
over him, he definitely has at least one female stalker.
Note: This image stuck with me and for a long time
I found myself strongly attracted to men with long, wavy hair (see: hippies
and/or the homeless)
Just as important as his bank account is his large, perfectly shaped
penis. This is a fantasy, right? And who wants to read about a less than
perfect, slightly curved penis? NO ONE,
that’s who. It’s beautiful, it’s huge…
sometimes it’s veiny (commonly found in stories that take place on a ship,
perhaps because it’s so important to stay hydrated at sea). Perfect Penis can often be found straining
against a tight pair of breeches, or springing
forth once freed from his confines. I
can’t remember ever reading about a flaccid penis in a romance novel. It’s safe to assume the Man is always hard
and ready to ravage his woman. Swoon.
Finally, this guy is always named Lucien, Duke of Litchfield. Or Cal, the horse rancher down the way with a
secret. Or Edward, lord of overrated
vampire novel. He is never Todd
Jones. No one wants to fuck Todd Jones.
The Woman: Aside from the prerequisite beauty (No uggos
need apply), there is more flexibility when it comes to the Woman’s backstory
and body shape. She is not required to
be wealthy (the Man is wealthy enough for everyone). She can be a Lady of the court trying to
avoid eye contact with that rogue with the reputation, or she can be a former
magazine editor who moved to the ranch after experiencing painful trauma which
we won’t learn the details of until the last chapter of the book.
The Woman’s body can be any shape and size as long as the Man finds it
appealing. She can be tall and willowy
or short and busty. She can have heavy
red curls falling around her face symbolizing the free spirit she is, or she
can have glossy chestnut hair pinned back and cascading around her
shoulders. Now that I think about it,
the Woman has Disney Princess hair. She
never has to worry about teasing at the roots or dry shampoo. This is important because the Man spends a
lot of time running his fingers through it and tightly grasping it at the base
of the Woman’s neck so he can pull her head back and kiss her deeply. Non-negotiable: good hair.
The Woman is inexperienced with sex.
The only sexually adventurous women in these novels are friends or
feisty aunts. Generally in historical
romance, she is a virgin and he must educate her in the ways of love making. In contemporary novels, she has only
experienced boring vanilla sex so the Man opens her up, so to speak, to a new
world full of unexpected fellatio and afternoon romps in the Man’s office while
the Board of Directors is waiting in the conference room.
So why are there so many requirements for the Man and not the
Woman? Because these books were written
for straight women. The Man is our
fantasy (apparently none of us are fantasizing about Steve Buscemi) and the Woman
comes in every variety so we can easily insert ourselves into her story (I love
a story with a tall brunette with a booty… that’s me!)
The Sex: Just like reality, the first time is
always the best. The first time our lovers
have sex it is the most fleshed out (heh) sex scene in the book. The Woman meets Perfect Penis for the first
time and he takes her breath away. So
beautiful yet intimidating. Don’t worry,
girl, he knows what he’s doing. As
inexperienced as the Woman is, the Man is equally experienced. In historical romances, her maidenhead is still intact. He must pierce her maidenhead with his manhood quickly to get the pain over
with. After this initial shock and
momentary discomfort, the Woman is immediately overcome with body melting
pleasure the likes of which we can only imagine (and we are, because that’s why
this book was written in the first place).
The pleasure builds until she has a body quaking, hair raising
orgasm. She will have an orgasm like
this every time they have sex.
Spoiler Alert: They live happily ever after. Even if you think one of them isn’t going to
make it, they always do. They experience
their conflict (Contemporary romance- with the help of her lawyer lover, the Woman
saves her father’s struggling corner shop from the evil corporate suit who also
wants to sleep with her. Historical
romance- Woman is kidnapped), and they end up together. They also have kids, thoroughly ruining the
fantasy for me.
That’s it! Now you have
everything you need to write a romance novel.
You can judge how well your story is written by whether or not your book
ends up on a shelf in the grocery store (that’s bad).
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